


The Shadow's Shadow (The Always Loved You Best Remix)

by Miri Cleo (miri_cleo)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Possibly Unrequited Love, Remix, Remix Redux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 10:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4176222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri_cleo/pseuds/Miri%20Cleo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix finds his purpose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shadow's Shadow (The Always Loved You Best Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AstroGirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroGirl/gifts).



They danced in the firelight, shadows sliding I and out of the spaces between them and settling in their very souls. And, oh, how it had once thrilled him. This wild abandon was theirs and theirs alone. It was the rhythm of childhood prolonged and their caustic cries to tell the night it was theirs.

Felix danced too. Sweat trickled from his neck to the small of his back, a chill in the unyielding jungle summer. Even as he had come to Neverland, he had been on the cusp of manhood, and now he had eternal youth. He had a body that never aged but a mind that grew sharper, that marked the time in this timeless place.

That was the unspoken order. He was eldest, cruelest. He was the boy gifted with Pan's utmost trust. He waste shadow's shadow, brave enough to look Pan in the eyes and cold enough never to question him.

Pan needed him. Felix was resourceful; he had endured so much. He had suffered. One hundred, three hundred years--he could still feel the ghost of biting cold, of the way hunger began to consume him from the inside. Pan said that kept him sharp, focused.

Now, even as he moved with the others, his focus stayed on Pan. Always Pan. Felix had always known Pan understood in a way no one else could. He had told Felix that he would never need another family, just as he has told the other lost boys.

But Felix hadn't been lost in a long time. He found himself in Pan's eyes as each note Pan played propelled him forward. He gave of himself completely, and in return he asked only what Pan was willing to give him. More--more he locked away in his mind and let his boyhood forget.

*****  
They sat facing each other, legs crossed and knees touching. Pan smirked and Felix mirrored his expression. But his mind was not so calm. He leaned forward. The firelight reflected in Pan’s eyes. 

“This boy…how will you know when you know him.”

Pan handed him a a piece of rolled parchment. The face that stared back at him when he unrolled it was that of a child. Felix no longer felt like a child. It was an innocent face—the truest believer. His heart was pure. This was something Felix couldn’t do. This was something Pan needed that Felix couldn’t give him. 

Pan reached forward and squeezed his shoulder. “And you’re going to help me get him. We’ll do whatever it takes.”

Felix smiled. There was that reassuring pressure, that glint in Pan’s eye. “Whatever it takes.” He couldn’t refuse. 

*****  
The fire that burned in Felix’s eyes was but a pale imitation of Pan’s own desires. Imitation. That was what fueled the fire that consumed Felix. He would be what Pan needed him to be. He would do what Pan needed him to do. And when it was finished, Pan would give him the gift of his approval, of his love. 

Such as it was. 

*****

This was the boy. Pan was triumphant even though the task was not yet completed. Felix soaked in that joy. But this boy had never felt the pain of loss. He had never known the hollow loneliness of being unloved. In fact, his eyes were lit with stubborn hope. And someone with so much optimism, with such a capacity to believe, couldn't have suffered the way Felix had.

Felix smirked to himself. Even loved boys had secret fears. Even they wanted to stay up all night and eat cake for breakfast and never be told "no" again. Pan would have this one soon enough. He would have Henry's heart. He had all of their hearts, but this was the one. This was the only one Pan needed. 

This boy. This Henry still waited and hoped for his useless parents would rescue him when he had no idea that he was being given a _gift_. 

*****

These were the brothers Felix had never had, and Pan had given him that. And if he wanted Henry to become one of them, Felix would stand fearlessly with an apple on his head. He would lose an eye, if need be. This boy couldn't be much of a shot. 

He only needed one eye to see. 

Soon Henry would be dancing with them. He would be their brother for a moment, but he would be reverted forever for his purpose. This boy. This boy who had no idea what he was to Pan. 

*****

When they realized Pan had failed, the boys were relieved. No more dancing until they slept where they fell. No more endless days and nights of nothing but what they wanted, what Pan wanted. They wanted to go home. 

But Felix had never wanted that. He had nothing now but his anger. And his father had become dust so long ago, that he had no place for that anger to go. Pan was his family. Pan was the one he had loved. 

*****

Ah, the look on poor Felix's face. Pathetic. And yet, Pan found it endearing. Poor Felix, stripped of his usefulness, was despondent. His face was darkened by shadows, but even in Henry's body, Pan could see past that. He could see the churning in Felix's mind. This boy would avenge him. He would go to whatever lengths he could. 

No. He would go beyond. But he needn't. Oh, he needn't. If Pan's own son had only been so loyal, so selfless...

Felix had his uses still. Pan would see to that. 

*****

The moment seemed infinite. Felix saw the darkness within Pan's eyes as if for the first time. And the breadth of his loneliness flooded in after he had held it back for so many years. Love could be many things. He had been loyal beyond what Pan demanded. Felix had given his friendship for Pan to have as he nursed his anger. He had given his hands, his ears, his eyes, and his mind. 

"Don't be afraid. Be flattered."

Now, Pan took the thing that Felix had longed so freely to give. And Felix was afraid, crying out like the boy whose mother let life go, let him go. This was what he had so longed for. 

This was Pan's love.


End file.
